AD: This is a sponsored post with a new website called singledisabled.com, a site that helps those of us who are single with disabilities (both visible and invisible) connect with others for love and relationships. They’ve asked to share my relationship journey with Crohn’s Disease.
If you’ve followed my blog for a long time, you might know that I am married. I’ve actually been with my husband since I was 17 and he’s been with me through both the pre-diagnosis and post-diagnosis years.
Although I was diagnosed at 28, my husband has known me to be ill for as long as I remember. My symptoms started when I was 16 (it took me 12 years to get diagnosed as discussed in this blog post) and first began with tiredness, mouth ulcers, and constant diarrhea. Right at the start of my relationship, rushing to the loo on a date and going dizzy during days out had become the norm!
My husband is a pretty laidback guy and assumed it was just how my body operated but when I was actually diagnosed at 28, I’d been married for 2 years and I wondered how much it would impact our relationship.
I won’t lie: it has been tough at times. The one thing I struggle with is my husband’s (well, actually everyone in my life) understanding. Because he has always known me as ‘ill’, I wonder if he has just become used to it and therefore doesn’t always appreciate how serious IBD can be. It’s really hard to communicate just how much my IBD impacts me at times. I think it’s like any chronic illness: you don’t fully get it, until you GET IT!
IBD has also massively impacted my body image. In my 30s, I struggled with abscesses and fistulas; which meant my husband had to change my surgery dressing each day for months.
As a newly married couple at this point, intimacy was off the table for a good while and I struggled to feel confident for a good while afterward. I’ve talked before about why I think all IBD patients should be offered counselling as it’s massively impacted my mental health and self-worth.
However, one thing that has really helped is to remind me that I’m so much more than my illness. Yes IBD might impact my relationships but my husband is still lucky to have me. There’s a few Instagram accounts about IBD and body positivity which I really love, such as @bryonehopkin and @katiemay1.
Tips for managing dating and relationships with IBD
As mentioned, singledisabled.com has asked me to share some of my tips for having a relationship with IBD…
1.Remember they are lucky to have you, you’re not a burden! Stick this to your mirror with a post-it note if you need to because it’s so important to remind yourself that your relationship identity is NOT just being the unwell person. You bring all sorts of amazing other qualities.
2. Be open and honest with them from the beginning! From early on, even before IBD, I was honest with my husband about things like needing the loo. The way I’ve always seen it is if he can’t be the one person I talk to my poo about, other than you all, then what on earth is the point of it!
3. Encourage your partner to read up on the condition. Blogs and the In My Shoes app by Crohn’s and Colitis UK is a really good way to introduce a partner to what your reality with IBD looks like.
4. Would dating a fellow spoonie be a better option? Quite possibly. If you’re single looking into disabled dating specific sites that have been set up for those with disabilities and chronic illnesses could definitely be worth considering.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying having your illness in common is necessary or enough to sustain a relationship alone. However, if you’re newly diagnosed, these sites can be a way of making connections with like-minded individuals who are in the same boat as you; avoiding all those ‘what should I say?’ ice breakers.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic and for those who have IBD and looking for love, Natalie from the Spoonie Mummy has a great post about couples with IBD who have met through the IBD community!
