My journey with antenatal/ postpartum anxiety+how I got better

There are so many new changes happening when you’re pregnant and become a mum but, because it is such an exciting time, you do feel bad talking about the fact that it is incredibly overwhelming/anxiety-inducing/bloody scary too. 

We are slowly reading a bit more about post-natal depression (although there’s still much more way to go) but we talk less about postnatal and antenatal anxiety.

There’s been a lot of great posts about mental health during mental health awareness week and I decided it was finally time to open my laptop and talk about my journey.

My experiences with anxiety whilst pregnant

Pregnancy was definitely an anxious time for me. One of the things I HATE is not having control over something, so my first trimester-where I felt incredibly poorly (more on that in this blog post)- was the absolute worst!

I think there really is no support during the trimester before your 12-week scan; it was just a case of ‘just wait and see’.

I know that this is because it is such early days but regardless, the emotional state of women at this point should be acknowledged-especially since it’s unlikely you will have told anyone so you have no support network at all. 

We ended up having a scan at 6 1/2 weeks because I had spent three weeks (yes I found out very early!) of not being able to keep food down and worrying -and nothing was helping.

Thankfully, everything was fine but scans were another huge cause of anxiety for me and I would still tense up at my growth scans; even the day before Jude was born!

I would spend the day or two before each one trying to predict every single scenario and plan for it. The 12-week scan-where you are tested for various chromosome abnormalities-was a particularly anxious one for me. Under the NHS, you face a 2-week wait for the results of this being sent in the post.

 I knew that for those two weeks my heart would be all over the place when the postman knocked so I ended up having a private scan beforehand; since they could turn the results around in 2 days which was a much shorter wait.

I know that the NHS has to deal with wait times etc, but it is frustrating that the anxiety at this point isn’t really acknowledged.

Once the scans and announcements were out the way, I did start to feel a little bit better-especially when Jude started kicking as he was pretty constant up until my section, which relieved a lot of my worries about him.

 However, I might have felt calmer but one thing I often resort to when anxious is avoidance as a coping strategy.

 I noticed at around the end of my second trimester that I was avoiding buying anything whilst most moms-to-be at this point had a whole nursery kitted out!

I kept telling myself that I would wait until the next milestone and the next milestone, but I would always find an excuse to wait longer so as not to ‘jinx it!’ I don’t think I bought a single thing until at least the 30 weeks+ stage.

That was the point I decided I needed to get a bit of support for my mental health issues as I felt as if my whole pregnancy was going by without me acknowledging it almost. I was referred to talking therapy but because of delays, I didn’t see anyone until he was born.

My experience with postnatal anxiety

I’d anticipated that I’d be anxious about so many things when Jude arrived. I couldn’t imagine that I’d sleep for a second without taking my eyes off him as I read so much about SIDS.

Weirdly enough, my C-Section was completely anxiety-free (although somewhat surreal) and in those initial weeks post-birth I felt calm. The breathing alarm I promised I’d use to this day remains unopen!

I don’t know if that was because of Jude such a chilled chap that I didn’t have to worry about why he was crying or whether it’s just the sheer adrenalin you feel when you first become a mum.

However, about two months after having Jude, once my hormones started to settle and the burst of excitement faded a little, I was exhausted and suddenly struck with an overwhelming sense I was going to die and leave Jude behind.

It started with me noticing bruising on my legs which I convinced myself was something sinister and not the fact I had inadvertently purchased the world’s heaviest pushchair.

I then started checking myself every day for bruises and anything I could think of really to regain a sense of control.

I should have recognised this was just another method of control but I would read about illnesses and think it was just inevitable I was going to get one and would visualise myself having to say goodbye to Jude.

It didn’t help that I did already have an illness and had to go for my usual blood tests, MRIs and stool tests.

So I couldn’t really avoid doctor’s appointments. One week, my white blood cell count was slightly low (common if you are on immunosuppressants like me) and I raced to the doctors convinced I had leukemia.

Looking back, the doctors were very kind and patient with me but it finally consolidated I needed proper help.

Things that have helped me with my postnatal anxiety

Jude is now a year old and I’m happier to say I am in a better place. Am I still anxious? Yes.

I am far from cured but I feel I am now in the place where I feel I have more control of my mental health and the intrusive anxious thoughts. These thoughts, 9/10 times, do not control me or my day.

I have finally accepted that I have a mental health condition rather than trying to solve every single worry. Just like my gut health, I will have bad mental health days and good ones. And there are things I can do to make those bad days easier to handle, but, at the same time, it’s okay to have a bad day, an early night and feel better the next day.

NHS Support-Talking Therapies

I am so grateful for the support I received via the NHS for my anxiety. I didn’t apply for the support until far too late and ended up on the waiting list for actual talking therapy so didn’t start until Jude was 8 weeks old. So my top tip to you would be to do this asap, even if you are only just pregnant but know you struggle with mental health.

However, it was the best thing I have ever done for my health.

I had tried CBT before but the therapist I saw stuck with me throughout and I saw her weekly up until Jude was about six months old or so.

It’s worth noting that pregnant women and new mums seem to have access to more support during the antenatal/postnatal period and rather than having a set number of sessions, I wasn’t discharged until I was ready.

The therapist was the first one I saw who wasn’t trying to eradicate my anxiety but to accept I had a mental health problem and not try to solve each and every problem.

I remember saying to her that due to the nature of my anxiety and the fact I have a chronic illness, therapy wouldn’t work because I would always have something to worry about.

I do always have something to worry about somedays. But she taught me that instead of trying to get rid of my anxiety, I needed to learn to live with it and manage it.

For example, my number one strategy when I worried about my health was to seek assurance; normally in the form of calling the doctor or having tests.

However, these fuelled my fear there was something wrong (by demanding an urgent appointment) and often made things worse.

For example, the blood test I mentioned earlier. Two weeks later, I saw my IBD doctor (who tracks my blood tests closely) and was told that actually, the result was completely normal. Two weeks of panicking and a GP appointment wasted.

The counsellor talked me about sitting with things; something I find really uncomfortable. I’m really impatient and want to get things resolved but acknowledging something is worrying me and just letting it sit there rather than trying to desperately solve it has helped so much.

At first, I’d let things sit for a day (‘if it’s there tomorrow then I’ll call the doctor or get my mom’s opinion) but now I can do it for a week. I then find I am in such a better position to make a proper judgment about what actually needs doing.

Talking to others.

I’ve now been more open about my mental health and one of the things the counsellor made me do a survey to ask other people about how they viewed their health, such as what would you do if you noticed a bruise? or how often do you check yourselves?

I learnt so much from this process and it helped me realise that my thoughts and reactions are just my reactions and thoughts rather than just the right ones! Now if I’m worried, I’ll ask: what would someone ask to think about this? what would they do?

I’m really grateful to have some lovely mum friends who I can speak honestly about my mental health to.

Medication

After about two months of counselling, I felt better but I still felt as if I could not get completely hold of my thoughts.

I felt like I could do the exercises but I needed to have a clear head to use the tools I’d been given. Just like I take my IBD medication and follow a gluten and dairy-free diet.

My GP worked with me on a few different medications and we eventually settled on Mirtazapine. I must admit I had hoped this would turn me into a relaxed, chilled out person but it doesn’t.

It, combined with the CBT, means that when negative thoughts arrive I can get myself out of them quickly. I wish my brain didn’t have them in the first place but I know I can’t change how I’m wired! But the medication gives me the breathing space to think clearly.

The drug is supposed to help with PMS but I must admit it has not made a difference in that respect, but I’ve learnt to roll with it!

If you are struggling with postnatal anxiety, I just want you to know that it can and does get better.

Working on your mental health is HARD work and there is no shame in taking medication.

Whether it’s a huge life adjust, hormones, the sheer isolation of being a new mum, it is no wonder it takes such a toll on your mental health.

Always talk to somebody about how you feel and speak to your GP who will be able to support you.