I have been trying really hard to be consistent in my blogging efforts lately. I’ve been updating my blogs recipe section and sharing lots of IBD-specific posts but realised I hadn’t done any life update posts in a while. I did these a while back when battling Crohn’s tests and found them really cathartic; so I thought I would provide an update of some non-Crohn’s health stuff that’s been going on in my life.

I am thirty-two years old (33 in a few weeks)  which is about hundred in blogger years (considering every new blogger I see lately is like 12) so, like many 32-year-olds, I cant help but notice the influx of social media posts that pivot around pregnancy lately.

Especially when they tend to all be along the same idea of: ‘oh my goodness, we wasn’t expecting at all/it happened so suddenly without any planning’ Now I really am sure this is the case for some people; but sometimes these posts (and the media in general) can give those of us in our thirties the impression that pregnancy is something that will happen instantaneously; something we can find a good slot for in between work being quiet and having no holidays planned and something we are in complete control of. Something that we just need to say the word ‘go’ and it will happen.

 

Part of the reason is there aren’t many people at all talking about otherwise. I’ve seen friends struggle with fertility struggles in the past and when this all first started, I promised myself I would try to use my  blog as a space to talk about it. After all, how could I criticise the media and other bloggers if I wasn’t doing my bit too?

However, it is all very well being noble and being an advocate but sometimes you just feel sad; and the thought of exposing yourself in a blog post is all a bit too much to bear. You hate the thought of people feeling sorry for you or feeling pity (and that is not the intention of the post as there’s nothing to feel sorry about). Or to be expecting further updates and be open to share every part of their journey. Yet after a few months, I do feel I now want to blog about this. Not as part of a longer series documenting my future endeavours but just as a warning to other women my age about the potentials of being at risk.

A few months ago, I underwent an AMH test. For those not in the know, this is a test that can basically tell you how many ‘eggs you’ve got left’. Not in terms of an actual headcount (they don’t take a register!) but the hormone can indicate your ovarian reserve. The test was not taken when actively planning for a child or part of other tests; but just recommended by my doctor after we talked about future medication and plans. In my mind, it was a reassurance test; to reassure myself I had plenty of time for all that and could just enjoy my life as it was.

Anyway, I never for one second expected this test to be low. I have had lots of tests in my lifetime because of my Crohn’s disease and I’m always scared of the results. But this one? I was convinced I was going to ace it! I started my periods really late compared to most girls and had several years without them due to my Crohn’s. In my mind, I had loads of extra eggs banked; compared to those bitchy girls in primary school who already had breasts and looked about 25. Finally, my years of looking 12 whilst my peers looked like adults would pay off! Hurrah!

I can’t tell you how gutted I was when I heard that, for my age, the number was low. Low fertility is what she said on the phone. I was 32. All around me women were having babies in their fourties:Cat Deeley, Celion Dion; wasn’t Janet Jackson like 52 or something? These woman had all told me I had all the time in the world-but I hadn’t. How dare you Janet Jackson! You fooled me, you fooled us all ! 

When I learnt more about it, I realised how rare it was for women to be having babies in their 40s and 50s ; and that many of the celebrities I’d seen were probably using donors and all sorts of fertility treatment (of course I do appreciate it can happen naturally) but of course…nobody really talks about that.

I don’t want this to be a ‘poor me’ blog post because my number didn’t suggested I wouldn’t conceive and I know of women who have had the test and found their number to be almost undectable and to have no chance. That’s what so heartbreaking about this-that we go through our lives having no idea and just assuming from what’s around us the age we’ll be able to have a family.

I have since had some scans; and I do have eggs that are healthy and good quality (phew) but put simply: I am not rolling around in them, I haven’t got loads going spare and Im not going to be doing a Janet Jackson. In a few years, it could very well be a different story. You are born with a certain number of eggs and once your AMH is low; it won’t improve, in other words you can’t rustle up some more eggs with clean living. I know some people question whether AMH is accurate and whilst it is sometimes an indicator of low quality, I’m fortunate that hasn’t been the case for me! But it has definitely reflected in the quantity I have so it has been reliable in that case.

Im not going to lie; I am worried and today I am having one of those days when I feel quite down. Of course, I already have an autoimmune disease with complications and I know that makes things more difficult too. It’s hard because I googled and searched and couldn’t find anyone talking about this at all.

We tend to see two extremes: either extremely fertile couples or those who have struggled for years and years; but rarely anything in between. There’s nothing wrong with either narrative but sometimes it’s the ‘middle bit’ lots of people are going through but aren’t open about.

I remember when I first found out, I found a youtuber who talked about fertility and sent her this massive long message on Instagram saying how much I enjoyed her videos and how alone I felt and basically my whole story. I had found someone to confide in and felt so relieved! She seemed my age and just like me-I wasn’t abnormal!

And she never replied. I know she’s probably really busy and she didn’t owe me anything; but I can’t tell you how lonely that made me feel (and made me realise how important it is what us bloggers do-so please if I ever don’t reply something, please do let me know as it will never be intentional).

So even though this blog post as been hard for me to write it; I felt I needed to write it.  This is what I do and the sole purpose I write is to help people. The last few months has been various different hospital appointments and different medications-things I don’t want to go into detail about yet. But at the same time you’ve probably noticed I’ve been a bit absent and I wanted to start being open; so it didn’t feel like something I was embarrassed or ashamed of. Because it should be neither.

I really hope this helps someone in a similar position and if anyone wants to chat, you are so welcome to get in touch. For those interested in the AMH test, it is not available on the NHS and it costs about £80 to do this privately. I did this in an NHS hospital and paid the fee but I’ve seen companies that do home testing kits too.

 

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xx